I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
