Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
