She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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