I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
