i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
