im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Even my vagina gasped.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
