ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize