this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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