I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
