Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
pop tarts are not kleenex
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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