my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
