I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
