he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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