I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize