I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
