Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
