i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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