I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
