I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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