im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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