Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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