They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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