"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
