how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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