All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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