i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
