Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
