Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
