I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She made me pour olive oil on her.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
