It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
