Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
