nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
