There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You're my little dorito
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
