Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
