my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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