Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
