I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
