in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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