I met the friendliest cop last night
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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