Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
