We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
