so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I feel like abortions should bother me more
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
