he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
