In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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