my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
