If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
