we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
