my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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