I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
