On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
