Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
