i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
