thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
