i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
