I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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