I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
