my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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