guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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