if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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