I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize