alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
