I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
