Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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