I just pynch a tree in the face
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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