the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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