I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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