Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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